October 30, 2007
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October 12, 2007
A gerund goes into a bar, and the bartender says, “What are you, drinking?”
*******
The governor of the Federal District of Brazil, José Roberto Arruda, has ordered regional public employees to abolish the use of gerunds, a measure that he defines as a "nice" message against inefficiency.
Upon defending the decision, Arruda said that he has lost patience with some members of his own government who are always "doing", "getting", "studying", "sending" or "preparing" but never finish their work or establish ways to finish it.
Local government calls the use of gerunds "a plague", which only serves to make excuses for unsolved problems.
via vivirlatino
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August 10, 2007
Warwick Road, London
British raunchy humor or unintended pun by non native speaker?
******
The opening song is Walter Gropius, Mies van der Rohe, and Adolf Loos singing "Form follows function", like "Fugue for Tinhorns" begins Guys and Dolls. It finishes and who enters but Alma Mahler herself, in a frock Jennifer Lopez would wave off as skimpy. With Alma is her composer husband, Gustav. "Let's go, gloom puss", she says, "move it."
"Just one more strudel", the fragile tunesmith replies. "I need the blood-sugar high to keep me from sinking into my quotidian preoccupation with mortality." -- Woody Allen, Mere Anarchy (his first new humor collection in over 25 years, as they announce)
Ah, good stuff.
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September 28, 2006
I realized Mother's Day was just two days
away, so I went into the florist and said, "I'd
like to send my mother a dozen long-stern red
roses." The guy looked at me and said, "My mother's
dead" I thought this was slightly unprofessional
of him, so I said, "How much would that be?"
--The Florist
Justine called on Christmas Day to say she
was thinking of killing herself. I said "We're
in the middle of opening presents, Justine. Could
you possibly call back later, that is, if you're
still alive?"
-- Making the Best of the Holidays
From "Return to the City of White Donkeys" by James Tate, a curious little book I've been reading at a slow pace, one poem every night before going to sleep.
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May 16, 2006
Always learning from the new kids at work.
Recent hire: "Hey, your laptop's got a clitoris mouse!"
Claudia:"What? Ah! Shhhh!......" (bursts into laughter)
+++++
For the clueless: I've posted this extremely pedagogic one before and now this helpful diagram. And I can't resist posting this very entertaining one, just for fun ;-)
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March 28, 2006
The obvious title would be "Big Brother"
(area under electronic surveillance, Barcelona)
Stolen from the wonderful tech art archive of igargoyle.
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January 08, 2006
His birth
my birth - amazing! you shoulda been there, i mean jesus, there's this doctor guy, right? and he's all like "forceps" and i'm all like oh geez, here it comes, and then there's all this light and there's the doctor guy and he sorta looks like god, who i was talking with just before the link got severed, and then the nurse's all "it's a boy" and the doctor's like "shut up, saying that is my job" and he bitchslaps her, right? ooooh, my god, she just falls straight to the floor. then my dad comes in, and i'd never seen him before, he starts singing to me, but for the love of i don't know who, he's pacing back and trips on the nurse, then mighty man randy savage comes in and does a piledrive on the doctor, then some strange man in chicken outfit comes in and starts singing what he calls a telegram and i piss on him. he calls me a son of a bitch and my mom says "i'm gonna sue your ass you cum-mouthed dumbfuck" and that's why we're rich today, then we all go home, but when i get here i realise i have a sister, and she loves me very much and all, but i'm thinking geez, she's 14 years older than me, i'm never gonna be able to score with her friends, but then someone introduced me to the concept of "young boy toy" and i was like ok, that's cool, then i fall asleep and the next day everyone's calling me henrique, but my real name is edgar, so i didn't know what was up with that, so then they started telling me all these bed-time stories and i sorta lost most of the intelligence i had brought from the before-life
--Henrique on the verge of a caffeine OD
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December 06, 2005
Why Dan Brown should pursue the "Jesus Lived In India" Theory
I read the DaVinci code last year. I was at New Delhi's airport facing a long flight to Frankfurt without anything to read. I rushed to an airport bookshop and bought it. I tend to avoid popular books - it's my intellectual pretentiousness, you see :-) - but it seemed an easy read for a flight and I wanted to see what everyone was talking about.
I enjoyed it immensely. Like I enjoy popcorn-eating-hollywood movies when I'm in the mood for it.
When some friends and colleagues started talking to me about it I was amazed to discover how everyone took it rather seriously ("Dan Brown did a lot of research for it", "There are several historians who say it's a very well written book with solid proof", "maybe it's all true", etc.,etc.)
I had fun reading it. The scholarly, conspiratory tone only made it more fun. Accurate or not, it doesn't matter. Like reading a magazine horoscope. Or it's like reading a much poorer version of some of Arturo Pérez-Reverte entertaining adventure novels.
And I'm not even a religious person, I'm not offended by some of the assumptions the book makes, I was quite amused by them.
So, I was relieved to read this article by Umberto Eco:
"G K Chesterton is often credited with observing: "When a man ceases to believe in God, he doesn't believe in nothing. He believes in anything." Whoever said it - he was right. We are supposed to live in a sceptical age. In fact, we live in an age of outrageous credulity.
The "death of God", or at least the dying of the Christian God, has been accompanied by the birth of a plethora of new idols. They have multiplied like bacteria on the corpse of the Christian Church -- from strange pagan cults and sects to the silly, sub-Christian superstitions of The Da Vinci Code.
It is amazing how many people take that book literally, and think it is true. Admittedly, Dan Brown, its author, has created a legion of zealous followers who believe that Jesus wasn't crucified: he married Mary Magdalene, became the King of France, and started his own version of the order of Freemasons. Many of the people who now go to the Louvre are there only to look at the Mona Lisa, solely and simply because it is at the centre of Dan Brown's book.
The pianist Arthur Rubinstein was once asked if he believed in God. He said: "No. I don't believe in God. I believe in something greater." Our culture suffers from the same inflationary tendency. The existing religions just aren't big enough: we demand something more from God than the existing depictions in the Christian faith can provide. So we revert to the occult. The so-called occult sciences do not ever reveal any genuine secret: they only promise that there is something secret that explains and justifies everything. The great advantage of this is that it allows each person to fill up the empty secret "container" with his or her own fears and hopes."
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In the same aiport bookshop I bought another popular book in India: "Jesus lived in India" (synopsis here). It's even more outrageous which makes it even more fun than Dan Brown's fantasies. It's so far fetched I swear I wish it was true :-)
I had read Catherine Clément's "Jesus at the stake" in which she writes about these jesus-lived-in-India theories in fictional terms. I found it very interesting and amusing that Jesus had had tibetan buddhist teachings, survived the crucifixion by practising yoga and fled to Kashmir, dying there of old age. As a secular humanist, it seemed as good explanation as the Vatican's :-). When I went to India I had the chance to ask some Indians about this theory. All of them said: "Of course he lived and died here! Everyone knows that! His tomb is up there in Srinagar...go see it for yourself!" - rather mockingly. Too bad that Srinagar is in Kashmir and that I'm rather cowardly or else I would have gone there.
"Ahmadi Muslims believe that the physical ascension of Jesus to Heaven is a later interpolation. The term "heaven" is used for spiritual bliss which the righteous enjoy after a mortal life.
Jesus was sent to the lost sheep of the house of Israel (Matt. 15:24). Out of twelve tribes of Israel, only two were in the region where Jesus preached. The other ten tribes, as a result of exile, were domiciled in the eastern countries, especially in Afghanistan and Kashmir. It was imperative for Jesus to migrate eastwards to complete his mission.
There is overwhelming evidence that the people of Afghanistan, Kashmir and neighbouring regions are of Israelite ancestry. Their physical features, languages, folklore, customs, and festivals attest to their Israelite heritage. Evidence also comes from the names they give to their villages, their monuments, and ancient historical works and inscriptions.
The presence of Jesus in India is recorded in the ancient Indian literature, and records of Kashmir. Jesus came to Kashmir from the Holy Land during the reign of Raja Gopadatta (49-109 AD) to proclaim his prophethood to the Israelites. He was known as Yusu (Jesus) of the children of Israel. It is recorded that great number of people recognized his holiness and piety and became his disciples. " - more here.
They're making a documentary on it in India.
"According to legend Jesus Christ's tomb lies at Rozabal in Srinagar's old town . "Rozabal" is an abbreviation of Rauza Bal, meaning "tomb of a prophet". Isa (the Islamic name for Christ) was in fact also known as Yuz Asaf (Leader of the Healed). At the entrance there is an inscription explaining that Yuz Asaf is buried along with another Moslem saint. Both have gravestones which are oriented in North-South direction, according to Moslem tradition. However, through a small opening the true burial chamber can be seen, in which there is the Sarcophagus of Yuz Asaf in East-West (Jewish) orientation.
According to advocates of this theory there are carved footprints on the grave stones and when closely examined, carved images of a crucifix and a rosary. The footprints of Yuz Asaf have what appear to be scars represented on both feet, if one assumes that they are crucifixion scars, then their position is consistent with the scars shown in the Turin Shroud (left foot nailed over right). Crucifixion was not practised in Asia, so it is quite possible that they were inflicted elsewhere, such as the Middle East. The tomb is called by some as "Hazrat Issa Sahib" or "Tomb of the Lord Master Jesus". Ancient records acknowledge the existence of the tomb as long ago as 112AD.
Thus the legend that Jesus Christ Himself is buried in Kashmir!"
More books about it here.
Posted by claudia Permalink
December 02, 2005
Greguerías
Ramón Gomez de La Serna was a Spanish writer, inventor of the Greguerías - humorous and poetic epigrams which, for the most parts, were published in newspapers. He defined it as:
Greguería = Humor + Metaphor
Some make great quotations, others great jokes. All are just plain beautiful and witty.
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El amor nace del deseo repentino de hacer eterno lo pasajero.
Love is born out of the desire to render eternal what is fleeting.
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Entre los carriles de la vía del tren crecen las flores suicidas.
In the middle of the train tracks grow suicidal flowers.
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Hay un momento en que el astrónomo, debajo del gran telescopio, se convierte en microbio del microscopio de la luna que se asoma a observarle.
There's a moment when the astronomer, under his big telescope, turns into the microbe which the moon sees with its microscope.
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Serpents are the trees' neckties.
(Illustration by David Vela)
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Tenía tan mala memoria que se olvidó que tenía mala memoria y comenzó a recordarlo todo.
He had such a poor memory that he forgot that he had a poor memory and started remembering it all.
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Escribir con lápiz es marcar sólo la sombra de las palabras.
To write with a pencil is just to mark the shadow of words.
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(found this in english only)
It is only in botanical gardens that trees carry visiting cards.
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La ü con diéresis es como la letra malabarista del abecedario.
The ü is the juggler of the alphabet.
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Los remos son las pestañas de los barcos.
The oars are the boat's eyelashes.
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Era un pintor tan viejo que se le habían quedado calvos los pinceles.
The painter was so old that his brushes had gone bald.
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El Pensador de Rodin es un ajedrecista a quien le han quitado la mesa.
Rodin's "The Thinker" is a chess player whose table has been taken away.
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El libro es el salvavidas de la soledad.
The book is the life-guard of the lonely.
Posted by claudia Permalink
November 29, 2005
Marxisms
"While preparing to film a movie entitled A Night in Casablanca, the Marx brothers received a letter from Warner Bros. threatening legal action if they did not change the film’s title. Warner Bros. deemed the film’s title too similar to their own Casablanca, released almost five years earlier in 1942, with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. In response Groucho Marx dispatched the following letter to the studio’s legal department:
Dear Warner Brothers,
Apparently there is more than one way of conquering a city and holding it as your own. For example, up to the time that we contemplated making this picture, I had no idea that the city of Casablanca belonged exclusively to Warner Brothers. However, it was only a few days after our announcement appeared that we received your long, ominous legal document warning us not to use the name Casablanca.
It seems that in 1471, Ferdinand Balboa Warner, your great-great-grandfather, while looking for a shortcut to the city of Burbank, had stumbled on the shores of Africa and, raising his alpenstock (which he later turned in for a hundred shares of common), named it Casablanca.
I just don’t understand your attitude. Even if you plan on releasing your picture, I am sure that the average movie fan could learn in time to distinguish between Ingrid Bergman and Harpo. I don’t know whether I could, but I certainly would like to try.
You claim that you own Casablanca and that no one else can use that name without permission. What about “Warner Brothers”? Do you own that too? You probably have the right to use the name Warner, but what about the name Brothers? Professionally, we were brothers long before you were. We were touring the sticks as the Marx Brothers when Vitaphone was still a gleam in the inventor’s eye, and even before there had been other brothers—the Smith Brothers; the Brothers Karamazov; Dan Brothers, an outfielder with Detroit; and “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?” (This was originally “Brothers, Can You Spare a Dime?” but this was spreading a dime pretty thin, so they threw out one brother, gave all the money to the other one, and whittled it down to “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?”)"
And you can read the rest here....(through GrowABrain)
Posted by claudia Permalink
November 08, 2005
Tesserae
The nerdiest birthday gift ever: roman numeral dice.
(sort of an excuse to post this nerd joke)
----
He was so upset that he went to a bar near his house for a drink to settle his nerves.
"What'll it be?" asked the bartender.
"A martinus," said the latin teacher.
"Don't you mean martini?"
"If I wanted more than one I'd ask for more than one."
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September 28, 2005
The Theologian & the Philosopher
"A philosopher," said the theologian, "is like a blind man in a darkened room looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"That's right," the philosopher replied, "and if he were a theologian, he'd find it."
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September 23, 2005
Linguistic Jokes
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
*****
Dyslexics of the world untie.
*****
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and the Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find, and that the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the pieces of stone and had them brought to the museum, where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. After months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings, they held a huge meeting.
The president of the scholarly society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that the race was family-oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said: "Idiots! Hebrews read from right to left. It says: 'Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"
*****
And many more here.
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September 16, 2005
Language X is essentially language Y under conditions Z
English is essentially Norse as spoken by a gang of French thugs.
English is what you get from Normans trying to pick up Saxon girls.
American English is essentially a tool to keep a person from ever being able to speak another language.
American English is essentially British English without the redundancies, including the monarchy.
Norwegian is essentially Danish spoken with a Swedish accent.
Danish is essentially Norwegian spoken with a sore throat.
German is essentially a language developed by a group of Teutons who gathered in the forest one day to come up with a language that their enemies would have no chance of grasping.
Germann ist eßentially Dutsch and Englisch with a few Tschanges.
Spanish is essentially Italian spoken by Arabs.
Mexican is essentially Castilian Spanish as spoken while excreting hot peppers, therefore without the superiority complex.
Italian is essentially bad Latin.
French is essentially the language that Americans don't learn before travelling abroad.
Portuguese is essentially bad Spanish, mumbled.
Portuguese is essentially Brazilian without vowels.
Catalan is essentially Spanish and French spoken at the same time.
Romanian is essentially a Romance language trying really hard to blend in with the Slavic languages around it.
Irish is essentially an Indo-European language cunningly disguised as gibberish to perplex the English.
Hungarian is essentially all counterintuitive consonant pairings.
taken from here and compiled by John Cowan.
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August 05, 2005
Freud's 50 minute Wristwatch
Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh no, another head case." - Jerry Seinfeld
This actually can be bought at the Unemployed Philosopher's Guild.
Posted by claudia Permalink
August 04, 2005
Conceptual joke
21. Two artists talking, one a conceptualist:
(Conceptualist) - What's the matter, do I have to draw you a picture?
from "Comments for an Art interview (a Source Book), Installment one" by John Baldessari
******
******
Thanks to J and to David, I got the MuMoK Catalog of the current Baldessari exhibition; an express personal delivery from Vienna. Very nice :-)
Posted by claudia Permalink
July 29, 2005
Philemamania
Socratic kiss - a Platonic kiss, but as it is the Socratic technique it will sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.
Kantian kiss - though you don't actually feel the kiss at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss - a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss - a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.
Marxist (Grouchoic school) kiss - a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.
Procrustean kiss - suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.
Heisenbergian kiss - a hard-to-define kiss, the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted.
Taken from somewhere I can't remember but found it again here.
*****
Klimt
*****
"When one of them takes both the lips of the other between his or her own, it is called 'a clasping kiss'. A woman, however, only takes this kind of kiss from a man who has no moustache. And on the occasion of this kiss, if one of them touches the teeth, the tongue, and the palate of the other, with his or her tongue, it is called the 'fighting of the tongue'. In the same way, the pressing of the teeth of the one against the mouth of the other is to be practised."
Kama Sutra
*****
Now the amorous spirit that is in me commands me that I say that amorous kisses are given in six parts of the beloved person, and in four ways, and no more.
And what are these six parts?
They are the nostrils, the breast, the neck, the cheeks, the eyes, and the mouth.
And the ways?
The ways are these: with the tips of the lips, with moisture of the lips, with a bite, and with the tongue.
I thank you, Love, for making me able to follow this. And so I ask again for your kindness that you enrich me with your secrets. But you, Spirit in the heart of Patricio, deign to detail these things one by one.
So I shall. Of the parts, my signor Angelo, the less sweet to kiss are the hands. More sweet that these is the breast. And it is an important thing to say what I want to say now, that though the breast is softer and more delicate than the neck, nevertheless more sweetness is experienced in kissing the neck than kissing the breast. This sweetness is so great, that if it does not equal that of the cheeks, which alone in great part are the dwelling of beauty, surely it lags behind but by little.
You speak truly: the sweetness from a kiss on the neck is great, but that it is so in comparison with the cheeks, I will take your word for that, amorous Spirit, because I have not had the experience.
If you wish to do that, you will sense what I way to you is true. The kiss on the eyes is very sweet, but the kiss on the mouth is the kiss that exceeds and surpasses all other kisses, even when they are taken together.
Francesco Patrizi, Dialogue concerning the kiss (XVIth Century)
*****
Philemamania, a craving for kissing
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July 14, 2005
The Dreadful Dungeon
Blackadder having a communication problem with a spanish torturer:
Torturer: Batardo
Blackadder: Batardo...Barrister?
Torturer: Batardo...
Blackadder: Embarrrasing.
The torturer jumps off the rostrum and mimes walking with a big pregnant belly. He then mimes cradling a baby in his arms before chucking it away...Basically it has turned into a game of charades.
Blackadder: You're embarrassing. I'm embarrassing. Erm, rogering! Pregnant? Baby...bathwater...sounds like...bastard! Ah. I'm a bastard.
Torturer: Si. Esterminado hijo, hijo.
Blackadder: Donkey.
Torturer: Padre y hijo.
Blackadder: Big bastard. Little bastard.
Torturer: Padre...
The torturer mimes panting.
Blackadder: Son. I'm a bastard son.
Torturer: Di perra.
Blackadder: I'm a bastard son. I'm a thirsty barking bastard.
Torturer: No, perra.
He barks.
Blackadder: Oh, dog, dog.
Torturer: No...
Mimes breasts.
Blackadder: Woman.
The torturer mimes woman and dog simultaneously
No, woman dog...ah, bitch. I'm a bastard son of a bitch.
Torturer: Si! Si!
Blackadder: In that case you are a fornicating baboon.
Torturer: Que?
Posted by claudia Permalink | Comments (2)
July 01, 2005
Joke Wisdom
There's a very politically incorrect joke that goes something like "Men are like parking spaces: the good ones are always taken and the ones left are for the handicapped or too small."
I wonder if this applies to women also (not the small part, obviously). I hope not ;-)
Posted by claudia Permalink | Comments (2)
November 08, 2004
Romeo and Juliet - Text Messaging Version
Act 1
Login: Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Juliet: Stalker!
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u?
Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?
Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?
Juliet: Luv U xxxx
Romeo: CU then xxxx
Act 2
Friar: Do u?
Juliet: I do
Romeo: I do
Act 3
Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark.
Romeo: OK
Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die.
Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished.
Juliet: When CU again?
Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu.
Juliet: Miss u big time.
Act 4
Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!!
Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.
Act 5
Friar: Really? O no. U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded.
Juliet: Gr8
Act 6
Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts?
Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works.
Romeo: TEXT ME!
Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry l8
Act 7
Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this...am now poisoning & and climbing in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx
Act 8
Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh...
Friar: Vry bad situation.
Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger. Ow!!! Logout
by cartoonist Roz Chast, first published in the New Yorker
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September 30, 2003
The Whore of Mensa
I found one of my favourite Woody Allen's short stories online!!!
Read The Whore of Mensa!
Here's a sample :-D
"For three bills, you got the works: A thin Jewish brunette would pretend to pick you up at the Museum of Modern Art, let you read her master's, get you involved in a screaming quarrel at Elaine's over Freud's conception of women, and then fake a suicide of your choosing - the perfect evening, for some guys."
Posted by claudia Permalink | Comments (3)
September 25, 2003
Find A Grave
Useful site for all the weirdos like me who visit the local cemetery when travelling. I prefer to find famous people's graves, though. For no particular reason :-D
Photo by Jim Tipton
Posted by claudia Permalink | Comments (4)
September 24, 2003
Demotivators :-(
Do you know that really tacky inspirational/motivational posters? Well, if you're feeling good and need some demotivation go to www.despair.com!
Posted by claudia Permalink